[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Sunday, April 13th, 2003|
Today was overall a good Day. Adam and I went to see Youth Brigade at the State Theatre in St. Pete!!! I love that Band. It wasn't their beſt Show, but I had fun. I ſaw our Preſident, John Adams. There was so much Eye-Candy, Lots of hot punk Boys. One Guy came up to me and ſtarted talkin to me. He was kinda cute, but if he wasn't gonna try to get my Number, I wasn't gonna be too diſappointed. Anyway, it was fun, and I got to feel ſemi-political again. I tried to talk to the Band afterwards, but I got too ſhy.
My Mom has been driving me nuts lately. Laſt Night ſhe lectured me about how I don't ſhow enough Paſſion when diſcußing my future Career with my Mom's Friends. So ſorry I don't put on a good enough Song and Dance. Needleß to ſay, ſhe made me feel really bad about myſelf; I hate my Emotions.
Something else that's intereſting, Brett called me yeſterday. Why, I don't know for ſure. He told me he wanted to come to Tampa ſoon and ſee me and that I ſhould take him to Buſh-Gardens. He's an Enigma. Do I want him? I don't know. Does he want me? It's ſo hard to tell, but hey, I would ſure like to ſee him again. I've been thinking about him lately. Even if he juſt wants me cuz he has no one else at the Moment, I don't really care and I'll quote Logan, "I'm willin to ſettle for just plain ol' Bootie." I don't want to get my Hopes up. He ſaid he would call today, and big Suprise, he didn't. Ohwell. The Miſtery continues....
|Saturday, March 22nd, 2003|
Today was somewhat interesting. I was supposed to hang out with David ſo I called him and left him a Meſſage. He never called back ſo I went to the Gym and came Home expecting to not do Anything Today. James called me and ſaid David didn't have my Number, ſo I felt good knowing I wasn't being ignored. I called David up after I got Home, and I made my Way to Clearwater to hang out with him.
For some Reason my ſex Drive has been out of Control Today. I really need to get ſome. I called Paul up to ſee if he wanted to hang out and... well... you know. So he never called me back. Anyway, David and I watched this Porno when I got to his House, and it was the funnieſt Thing I had ever ſeen. The Guys were hot, but the Attempt at a Plot made the Movie extremely funny.
So David and I talked about the Meaning of Love and gay Relationſhips as well as Techniques to ſeduce ſtraight Males. Never know when it will come in handy. It's funny tho, it ſeems the Times David and I hang out together we always make each other depreßed b/c we remind ourſelves of the Shittineß of gay life.
When I drove Home, I ſaw all these teen-age Boys playing Basketball together in a Driveway. Driving by, watching them having Fun, playing a team Sport that every Boy is ſupposed to enjoy in their Youth, I remembered how I never got to be a Part of ſuch a Group of Boys. I never fit quite into my ſpecific gender-Roll. I never took a Liking to Sports, particularly b/c everyone would make fun of me and would never pick me for their Teams. It just all depreßed me, reminded me again about how I never wanted to be gay, and maybe if I wasn't I'd be one of those perfect little maſculine heteroſexual Boys who grows like he's ſupposed to, talking to his Buddies about Cars and Girls. I don't know why I would even want a Life like that, but for ſome ſtupid Reason it juſt bothers me to ſee them all happy when I don't get to partake in it.
|Friday, March 21st, 2003|
Well, it's been a While, but here I am actually updating my Livejournal.
Today was my 2nd Dynamics Teſt and I'm not ſure how I did. I knew all the Concepts, but the Queſtions were tricky. I've been ſtreßin about School lately. I had to drop Fluid Mechanics.
So I've been ſeeing this Guy, Paul. I don't know how old he is, but I know he's probably like 30. Personally I'd rather not know. He's a nice Guy, pretty attractive, and he ſeems to ſhare ſome of my Intereſts. So will this laſt long? Doubtful, but in the mean Time, I get Companionſhip and ſome Booty :D.
Lately I've been ſtagnant. I need to do Things, productive Things. I need to ſtart drawing and painting again. One Thing to look forward to is the Party, which, BTW, is ſet for the Date of April 12th!!! Invitations will be ſent out this Weekend, via Mail and Email.
That's all for now.
|Wednesday, March 12th, 2003|
I have decided, I am taking a trip to Orlando tomorrow. I'm probably going to leave in the evening and leave the next morning. If anyone is interested in joining me, give me a call.
|Sunday, February 2nd, 2003|
|happy birthday me
Well, for those of you who might read my Livejournal, here I am finally making one of my rear Updates. This is my Birthday Weekend, and what a Birthday it has been. Tonight was the limo Ride. As a Start to the Evening, Casey called me, and boy did I do a bad Thing. I asked if I could call him back later and later tell him I was having a family birthday Thing, and not tell him about the limo Ride in Fear of hurting his Feelings for not inviting him, but for Christ-Sake what am I supposed to do; either way I hurt him.
The Limo arrived a little late, but soon enough we were on our way to Orlando. So on the way to the Sleuth Mystery Theatre, my Group of seven Friends split into two Factions: the lamo rational Side and the party Side (my Side). I helped Michelle and Sara pollish three Bottles of Wine off and within a half Hour or so they were quite tipsy. On the Way, I called Brett's Phone and left a Message for him to call me when he got off Work so we could get together like we planned. We arrived fashionably late at our dinner Tables and watched the "Mystery." To sum it up, it was kinda lame, the food was "eh," the Picture-taker was pushy, and fat Aunt Bes was the Killer. What was funny was how drunk Michelle got and how she interacted with the Actors. By the End of the Dinner, Sara was too drunk and she vomited in the Bathroom. Her Boyfriend and I helped her out to the Limo, we all ended up missing the Part when the revealed who the Killer was. For the rest of the Night Sara cried and apologized for ruining my Birthday.
So when the Dinner was through, we went back to the Limo to decide where to go next. I called up Brett's cell to see if he was off Work and free to hang out for about an Hour when who should answer his Phone but some strange Guy. I thought it was weird at first, but i continued talking to find out were Brett was. I was passed onto another Girl who told me Brett was with his "Boyfriend" Bobby, or Ricky, or somebody off somewhere doing something. Oops, someone let the Cat out of the Bag. Piecing together the Puzzle, being the great Sleuth I am, I deduced that Brett did not have to work til 11:30 as he had claimed. Instead he dropped hanging out with me and went to a Party to have debaucherous Fun. Geez, it's like, "why was she holding his Hand, when he's supposed to be MIIIIIINE!!! It's my Party and I'll cry if I want to." Oh what a birthday Surprise. With that I decided to abandon Orlando and head home. Sara was too drunk anyway. One thing that came good out of the Evening, Michelle and I had a really in depth Conversation. That Girl has been through it all. Her Life could be a Movie.
I guess from this whole Evening I finally realized that Brett and I are done. It's over. I have nothing. I knew that from the Day I left Orlando, but for some reason it just didn't hit me until tonight. Of course, I could be wrong, but I should be realistic. This makes me realize that I am truly alone. In addition, it seems Casey won't be talking to me anymore. He is mad at me, even after I talked to him online, was honest and told him why I blew him off on the Phone.
So as a recap on the Night, my good Friend vomits and goes into emotional Hysterics, I go to a lousy Mystery Theatre and have a lousy Dinner, miss the Ending, find out the only Boy in my life has someone else, and lose a good Friend. Well what's a Birthday anyway.
|Sunday, November 10th, 2002|
|and the grains of sand sift through the hour-glass
well, i just got back from a wedding which i stayed at for over 6 gruling hours. i have a splitting headache and feel like shit. mandy was the bride, and i used to go to the same day-care center with her when we were younger. it's funny cuz she used to make fun of me horribly, but later she was really nice to me. so now she's getting married, and she's like 2 or 3 yours older than me. i cant fathom getting married so young. i didnt know a soul at the wedding, accept mandy, her brother, and her mother. her brother, brad, used to be a friend when we were little kids. at the wedding he looked at me coldly. i had a horrible time, although i was smiling widely the whole time. i was out of place with on one to talk to. weddings make me depressed in general. hetoro-sexual love makes me bitter (nothing personal to my str8 friends). i feel bad too b/c i havent called brett in a while, and i miss him. well, i also miss the company of boys in general. i've been wanting sex so badly lately. and it's imposible to find any guy that would want me. only places i can go are gay clubs and gay bars and gay coffee shops. i cant find anybody in the str8 world. tomorrow i have to go to a birthday party for john and laura's son, riley. i dont expect to have too much fun at that either. i'm so tired of not having any fun anymore. i wish i was more outgoing. i need to take out going pills, but i dont know where to get any. i know they exist. soon enough we will have emotion altering drugs over the counter. i feel so pathetic right now.
|Sunday, November 3rd, 2002|
well today was interesting. i woke up at about noon time and had my usuall morning orgasm. then i had some breakfast and went to the gym. after that my mom and i went to best buy b/c my mom wanted to buy a new phone, god knows why. so she spent close to $500 on a 5 phones that each have their own cradels and can be inter-changed with each other. i cant believe she spent all that money. while she was shoping i was eyeing this boy who caught my attention. he was pretty good, not perfect, but it was his slavic look that hooked me. i don't know why but i find myself very attracted to boys of eastern european decent (that's why for any of you who can't think of a birthday gift for me, get me a bel ami boys porno, i'll be quite happy). well speeking of birthdays, yesterday was brett's birthday, and i feel aweful b/c i forgot to call him. i even wrote it down in my calender like 2 weeks ago to remind myself to buy him a gift, but i forgot still. it's just aswell b/c i don't know his addreß to send it to. so i called brett today and asked him what he did last night, and he said hew as out late b/c of his birthday, and i was like, ohyeah, that's right. so now i think i might have made him feel bad. this only adds to my guilt pile. it turns out that when i talked with patrick while he was at my party, he told me all brett ever talked about, with him, was me and how he thought i only came to visit him for sex and how brett wanted a boyfriend. this shocked me. now i know brett sleeps around while i'm away. not that it bothers me either, i'd probly do the same if given the opportunity, but who'd of thought brett was so into me. i really like him too, but i don't want to try a long distance relationship. + i think i'm just scared to commit. i'm young, i want my fun. but geez, now i know he wants more. and i know i do have an emotional attachment to brett, even tho i try to ignore it b/c i know it will hurt me in the long run. i dont think brett thinks i really like him that much.... i really miß waking up next to him. that was the best feeling in the world. anyway, the rest of the day went nicely i supose. i helped my mom make wiener schnitzel for dinner, then i went to joe's to hang out with joe and heather while i waited from my friend ryan, who was in town tonight from orlando with his girl sam. so they take us to this party in tampa palms where i saw this guy i used to work with and sit around staring at the one guy who was sorta hot, and ofcourse i'm sure he was straight. so when heather is getting antzy and wants to leave joe convinces me to try smoking fromt he hooka the owner of the house just happens to be letting everyone use. it was interesting. it had rasbery flavored tobacco. the smoke was quite miled and almost refreshing. it's so funny how i'm always thinking with my dick. sometimes i wish it would just leave me alone. completely off topic. well then i went home and here i am. that's all for now.
|Monday, October 28th, 2002|
Well I’ve had an intereſting weekend. After taking my thermodynamics midterm thurs, which I’m praying I did well enough on, I went home to nap and waſte my Friday evening. All day Friday I worked with my legos, the hobby that has conſumed me the moſt lately, and I finally finiſhed the red ruffed castle. When I figure out my digital camera I will upload a picture. I’m ſo proud of my work. Now only 5 more to go and James and I can begin the lego ſagas again. I’m such a nerd. So for the rest of the weekend, the house was covered in legos. Friday night Joe, heather, and james came over and we continued our lego adventures. Saturday I tried to do homework and got ſome done. I went over to Joe’s house and went shopping with him and heather. Later that night we went to chambers for the first time. Let me tell you, it was quite an experience. Everyone standing in line was in costume; ſome were quite ſcandalous. I was lucky b/c I juſt had enough money to get in too. It was $15, oi weh!!!!! The doorman drew the female ſymbol on anyone's hands who aren't of drinking age, ſo me and Joe were marked. This club was huge, and all decked up for Halloween. I kept running into the fake cobwebs. There were plenty of hotties, but also plenty of nasties. One of the firſt familiar faces I saw was this guy I always ſee at the usf gym. One day in the gym he gave me a funny glance, and I ſaid to myſelf, I’ll bet that boy’s a "brother." Well Saturday night only confirmed it. Turns out he was one of the ſpeedo dancers there. I wanted to go up behind him and ſnap his ſpeedo, and give him a look that ſays, "yeah, I know you're a fag, and you're kinda at my mercy when i ſee you at usf. muahahahahaha!!!" Then Joe and I ſat down for a bit and this Aſian boy with angel wings and glitter comments on my leß than jake t-shirt and ſorta hits on me. It made me feel good about myſelf for once. Then after a bit of time paßed, who ſhould I ſee there but my friends Ryan and Joſh. Oh how I miß Joſh ſo. Joſh aſked me if I had been working out, and he told me it looked like I had. See that’s the whole point of going to gay clubs, for the little ſelf-eſteem booſts like that. So the night goes on and I end up running into a couple more people I know. The night was lots of fun, even tho I didn’t catch any hotties. Joe and I ended up leaving at 3:00, but it was really 2:00 b/c of the time change. So the next day I roused at about 1:00 b/c I didn’t go to bed til like 5, and my mom yells at me for ſleeping in ſo late and for leaving the house a meß and for a bunch of other ſhit. So ſhe leaves the house to go have lunch with ſome friends and leaves me feeling like ſhit. So the whole day I felt miserable as I cleaned my meß and did my homework. I felt bad tho b/c my mom wanted to do ſomething with me that day. My mom isn’t like normal mothers who don’t really want anything to do with their kids in college. She actually wants to ſpend time with me and do things, and I’m quite content to juſt do my own thing, and do things with her ever so often. I feel guilty for that too b/c my mom really doesn’t have anyone, ſhe’s all alone, unmarried, with few friends ſhe can tolerate. So with Sunday ruined, I played a little Civ3 and went to bed. Today I took my mom to the airport. Now ſhe’s on her way to Jacksonville for a week. It’s time for me to make preparations for the Halloween party!!!!!! Thankfully most of the work is taken care of. Michelle is doing the booz, robin is doing the music, everybody else is doing the inviting. All I have to do really is clean the house before hand and after. Only bad thing is my mom ſaid ſhe’s gonna try to come home thurs. night if ſhe can and call me up to let me know. Hopefully ſhe won’t, or I’m gonna have to throw people out of my house. Knock on wood. Well that’s it for now. Geez, I wrote a lot.
|Saturday, October 12th, 2002|
well here i am home. went to see a movie tonight with sara and casey. rules of atraction, or something like that. it was good, except for 2 reasons, which i won't spoil for anyone. it was pretty depreßing tho. it reinforced how things are in the world for me. i was bothered by somethings in the cinema tonight. in the movie there's a gay character, and everytime he came on, some of the people in the audience kept muttering faggot this and faggot that. i wanted to put a trigger to all of their heads. everyone of those biggots has no clue what it's like to be pushed around and treated like filth. they don't know what it feels like to think there is something wrong with yourself. i'm so sick of the hetero world. i swear i want to move to new york where they have gangs of gay boys who go around beating up gay haters. oh how it would be nice to see the tables turned. i wish i was never gay. i don't think i'll ever get over that. i would feel like crying right now, but my emotions are numb. i don't know if that's a good thing or not. i'm so full of pent up anger, it's a good thing that it's all shuved deep down so that it won't get out. maybe it's better not to have any emotions at all. well, hope you all enjoy another day in mark's life.
|Saturday, September 28th, 2002|
well, here i am sitting at the computer so i can take a break from my differential equations homework. today has been somewhat fulfilling. i woke up at 1pm and started cleaning the living room. james and i went to visit his friend navada at the teekee weekee wohkee whatever hotel on dale mabry and she wasn't there. i've been sitting around the house for the rest of the day pretty much. my life is full of excitement. last night was pretty fun tho. i was planning to go to factory with sara and joe. joe pooped out however, and went to bed early. so james came instead, even tho i wouldn't expect him to want to go to a gay club, but he had nothing better to do. well what happened when when got there? no one was at the club. infact, it seemed downright abandoned. so from this i came to the conclusion that factory had been shut down, as i had previously heard roomers that the club was going to shut down. ohwell. so instead sara, james, and i went to the castle, like we always do. it turned out that lady luck was smiling upon us b/c we were one of the first 25 people to get there, which got us in free. oi, it was so nice not to have to spend money for cover. while waiting in line for the castle to open, we met this cute guy who just moved from atlanta who's name is greg. he seemed really cool when i talked to him and he liked a lot of interesting music and what not. i felt bad for the guy b/c he didnt know too many people in tampa as of yet. sara and james didnt seem to want to talk to him too much, well actually it was mostly just sara. so we ended up sitting on the couches by the pool table and greg went off on drugs and told me he was rolling. that disapointed me a bit, but i still kept on talking non the leß. so then james and sara left the castle without telling me and i'm stuck with greg. so we sat around making some small talk as the conversation began to run dry and we watched the people dance. then greg said he wanted to make a phone call and we left the club to go use a pay phone. so i get to see greg in better light and he still looks cute, but he looked kinda skinny, tho i couldn't really tell from the clothes he was wearing. so i called up james on his celly and he's with sara at the starbucks. so greg and i go there and sit next to james and sara. turns out i saw jerremy gloff out of the corner of my eye, but i don't think he saw me. i would've gone to talk with him, but then i would've had to deal with the akwardneß of him accusing me of avoiding him. + i would've had to take the energy to make small talk and i was all drained of that from greg. greg asked me if his puplel/pupils (i don't know how to spell) were big. i looked at them and they were huge. frankly i'm starting to get sick of all these drug obseßed people. so after a while greg said his friend was gonna pick him up so he left. who knows if i'll ever see him again, he's probably not a worth while persuit anyway. so james, sara, and i go back to the castle to dance for a bit. ofcourse the actractive skinhead that i see there on thur.s and fri.s was there. i'd hit on him except for the risk of being a victim of a hate crime. so when everyone was tired we went home. when we got in my car to leave there were 2 roaches in the car. sara, being deathly afraid of roaches, didn't want to get back into the car. so we searched and searched for the roach couple, and managed to kill one, but we couldn't find the other. after a little begging we got sara to get back into the car and we were on our way. it felt like we were in an alien's movie, with the car as the space ship, sara as sagorni weaver, me as the captain, and james as the herioc marine. hear we were travling thru space to get back to earth with one of the creatures alive somewhere ont he ship. so i'm driving in the middle of the ghetto and sara screams cuz she sees the roach. i pull over and james and i franticly try to kill it. as many times as we hit it, we mißed the roach. it ends up escaping and we start to drive again. we saw it again when i'm on the highway and then we finally killed the damn thing. it's a wounder we didn't get into a wreck. so that was our night. now i'm sitting here, bored off my aß. i really need to get some. my sex drive has been out of control for these past few weeks. i've been so sexually fustrated. powerful fustrated. a body could go crazy under these conditions, i reckon. being around the heterosexual population doesnt help either. i'm proned to be attracted to the most masculine boys in a sample of people, and in the general public, those boys are almost always striaght. i need to be around gay people to increase my chances of finding someone. i miß brett too. he's suposed to come visit next weekend. i hope he makes it down. i'm woundering if he and his friend patrick are more than just friends. hmmm... that could have 3-some potential. that's it for now.
|Wednesday, September 25th, 2002|
well here's my first entry. i'm tired right now and even tho i haven't finished all my homework i'm going to bed soon. today was and eh kinda day. i took sara home from school and she helped me with my powerpoint thing that i'm not sure if it's due tomorrow or next week. then james came over and we watched the simpsons. then he left for choral practice. lately the only thing that thrills me is my hobby, painting my napoleonic french army. i'm starting some austrians soon, i'm excited. i just told casey i just want to be friends. i was hoping i could do it to him face to face, but ohwell. for the past couple days i've been depreßed and i don't know if it's my mom who's the main cause or what. she's been doing a good job of making me feel bad about myself, but i gueß of she doesn't do it, no one will and we all need someone to make ourselves feel bad now don't we. because of my slacking off in school, my scholarship dropped to 75%. i went to the finanicial aid office to see what my ballance was for this sememst. it was something like $300. i was quite happy, thinking it would be something like $2000, and i told my mom and she got mad at me. then she ranted on the poor grades i got last semester and i ignored her. she only got madder. i also think it has to do with my contemplations with god. as time progreßes i believe in some form of god leß and leß. i think i've gone beyond the pointed of being an agnostic to being an atheist. i find it's best not to think about the subject all together; it only makes me depreßed. lately i've been listening to depeche mode. their angst-filled music seems to chear me up. well i'm done for now. i'm going to bed. Current Mood: blah